Spring Break
Diary of a 'confirmed' Facebook junkie
Brian Coburn
Issue date: 1/26/09 Section: Voices
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Never thought I would be needing one of these and I've got to tell you, it made me feel pretty smart every time I proudly stated that I didn't do the whole social networking thing.
I didn't care that you thought Facebook was so cool, because it would never be as cool as my rants against it where I got to use all kind of fancy compound words like "vainglory" and "postmodern." I felt so enlightened in those days, especially next to all of you with your Facebook crap.
But now I have one. Actually, I kind of have to have one for work, but I'm not going to do much with it or tell many people all about it. I don't need to talk to any of you on there or post my pictures or make videos or any of that tripe.
I'm just going to hold my nose, take the plunge and no one needs to know about this except a few guys and girls I have to communicate with on it. For work. That's it!
But I've already started to get suckered into the whole stupid thing. It's your fault, really - not mine. With all your fake happy pictures on there, you all seem to be having such a fantastic time. I know you're not always that cheery and good times and this is-where-the-party's-at. Nobody is. But it looks so good, even if it's a big posture. So maybe I can work my page to pull off this illusion, too…
Tuesday: I realize now that when you've been telling yourself you don't need Facebook like I did for so long, you tend to not have that many photos of yourself - especially not good ones. So I need to get 'em - fast! - if I don't want to be one of those lamos who have like five pictures of themselves up there.
That just shows no self-confidence, man. Almost like they're just there 'cause they have to be but don't really want people to look at them. Well, I think I want people to look at me. I'm gonna start keeping an eye out for cameras at parties and build up a nice little collection, showing all my sides.
For the ladies, I'll show how suave I can look with an entire album of me in my pinstripe suit, but then show how I can laugh at myself with another album of bed-head shots. Ha! Probably gonna need to get a hot-tub pic on there, too. Those are big.
Wednesday: I just can't get over how many of you have these great self-presentation skills. Seriously, they're top-notch. It almost looks like there's no fronting at all and that most of you really are these badass, carefree people. But I know it's not like that because it's all for show and building the perfect Facebook image is an art that takes a while to perfect.
I'll get there.
Thursday: OK, I know I'm doing it mostly to learn how the game is played here and all, but jeez, I think I really like looking at some of you. Too much, actually. Time passes awfully quick in somebody else's world, just looking at pictures and videos and how you talk with your friends and all that. I mean, YOU put it up there so it shouldn't feel like I'm stalking or anything. It still feels kind of wrong to stare, though. Creepy.
Friday: This is the worst thought. After I creeped myself out yesterday, I started to worry about creeping all of you out. I remember telling myself that whatever I browsed on there was just between me, myself and I.
But ever since I got into this whole Facebook thing, I forgot what privacy means. So I started getting paranoid about these tricks that people could pull. Like maybe they could find out how many hits came onto their page from my computer. Or worse, some kind of feature which told everyone that I looked at this one photo of someone for 13 minutes straight.
What would everyone think about that? And would "Brian Coburn looked at this photo for 13 consecutive minutes" be on that newsfeed thing when my friends first log in? God, that would suck.
Saturday: You know, this is the way people do things now. Immerse yourself. People still say the word "narcissism" from time to time, but who actually uses it negatively anymore? Facebook isn't really creepy. It isn't even fake. It's just this. . . refreshing freedom to be what we used to know as creepy and fake. Isn't that all any of us have ever wanted? Screw it. I think it's just peachy.
Sunday: Alright, I've only been on a week now, but I have a problem here. I think I alienated a lot of people with all those terribly misguided anti-Facebook rants I used to deliver and they won't add me. Maybe they just don't believe it's actually me.
I don't really like those people anyway, but I do know them, and anybody you know is a resource since they can help build up a super impressive friend army.
Had they just played ball, we could be talking a real respectable friend number here, like more than 100. Everyone knows that when you log into a page and don't see at least three digits on the friends list that this isn't someone you should be talking to. No one else is.
So while you are going to be reading this in the paper and you know my situation and you know my name, why don't you add me as a friend?
Doesn't matter that we don't know each other. I'll put my coolest photo up on the profile and won't cramp your style when people see me on your list. Promise. Then next time you log on you can find your favorite word - and mine: confirmed. Do it. Please. I need this.
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