The Voice

Issue date: 9/22/08 Section: Voices

Someday soon, a great satirist is going to take the absurdity of the Sarah Palin phenomenon and use it to lampoon the cult of neo-conservatism. With their enduring ability to make Middle America feel comfortable and gain its votes on the grounds of not fooling around with interns, being a good guy to have a beer with and now going moose hunting, the current direction of the GOP and its appeal to Bubba is ripe for a send-up.

If Orwell and Fellini were alive today, they would already be working on it as a piece of future shock. Maybe it would look something like this:

The Republican presidential nominee will name his dog as running mate. The dog, a Chessie Retriever named Moses, has all the qualities valued by today's Republican Party. He's cute, faithful, family-oriented, loves to hunt, and, as far as anyone can guess, doesn't kill human babies.

Virtually every talking head, blogger and spin doctor on the right not only spends the ensuing days defending the pick, but lauding it as a home run. "It seems so obvious to me," gushes one conservative radio host. "Dogs have been such warm and trustworthy parts of our lives for so long … it really is a wonder no one went this route before." Others in his ilk then smash the Democratic nominee for playing politics as usual by selecting a human.

Predictably, the mainstream media are appalled by the pick, knocking it down from all corners and declaring the Republican Party in a state of disarray. But Republicans are emboldened by the freshness of the choice and likability of Moses. They jump down the media's throat at every rally, declaring them bigoted "dogists" who can't handle the idea of real change in Washington.

This story has a scene in which the two men on the Democratic ticket subtly mock the Moses pick at a rally, then sweat bullets backstage when they fret over how to handle him at the upcoming Vice Presidential debate. Since Moses doesn't have the ability to speak - something polls show the public appreciates since they have all been jaded on empty political rhetoric - the debate's moderator will have to frame his questions in a way where candidates are only permitted to answer with definitive and succinct statements. Moses will execute this process by choosing from a number of milk bones in front of him that each represent an opinion.

The Democrats agree the television audience will eat this up, and are bewildered on how they could possibly avoid coming out of the event looking like anything other than condescending elitists. Meanwhile, the Republican presidential candidate orchestrates a meeting with veterinarians and olfaction experts, trying to figure out a way to make one milk bone smell more appealing than the others on each question. When it comes to rigging the answers, the man at the top of the Republican ticket makes it clear that he values swiftness over actual words.

"I don't give a damn if he picks a bone that says 'Georgia deserved it,'" he shouts. "If he doesn't hesitate while doing it, we're golden."

Moses and his master prove to be the more cunning politicians and end up winning a tight election that further widens the country's cultural gap and go to the White House. The rest of us, perhaps deservedly, are going to the dogs.

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